Need to help.

The private layout of this thing is weird, too many functions i dont know how to use.

I get a lot of visitors on my xanga blog, so i decided to start posting here. I was thinking about things in shower, its where i do my best thinking actually. But yeah, hopefully i wont get as many visitors here as i do on my xanga. I would like to keep my xanga blog public but, too many unknown visitors. Many people google my username which is kinda weird. idk.

Ill most likely post things about my feelings, openly. And things that i dont actually discuss with many people in class or over the phone.

I miss my juinor high friends, b/c those were the exact people i could open up to. After our friendships had diminished and only friendship on online profiles were established i didnt exactly find the same people like them, not even close. They were realistic and favored my honesty, opinions, and advice. Cant say i dont miss their phone conversations and 3 way lines.

I really feel like, i need to give. Ive been feeling like that for a long time. I need to help people, b/c i honestly do like to help people. lol. Like Ms. Loveras says "People always are looking for things in return." That is not that case with me, which brings me to this case. Ms. Afolabi recently said that relationships develop out of needs and wants and once that friend is done helping that other friend, they need to move on to a relationship where they get their needs and wants sorted out. To me thats like, parasites. Although i dont know if that was on the terms of business or just in general. I feel the need to help and give advice. I realize that this statments sounds to an extent of conciete (sp?) and egotistical-ness, i genuinly like to talk to people about things. I guess thats how i am.

People are afraid to step out of "their circle of friends." I have long banned that from my life, well it isnt as drastic as it sounds. I cant seem to find people i can actually interact with and except how weird and crazy i can be sometimes. You dont see that personality in the classroom because i, unlike other students at my school fail to understand realize that school is about learning. You can bring your crazy-ness when your outside of school. If you've held a job one day and you act crazy and out, obviously you'd be fired. But my personality slips out sometimes.

Although, i have been in a circle of friends at one point in high school, though they've moved on. lol. I still talk to one person which was in "my circle of friends." Which is obviously Steven. I think i would sound wierd or "stalker status' or "crazy girlfriend status" if i said outloud that my boyfriend is my bestfriend. I rarley see now that people have their significant others as their bestfriend. People are extremly critical about that. My relationships develop from friendships, idk about the whole dating scene. I just go like that.

I think its hard to talk to people about stuff because i tend to lean towards guys more. They are less judgemental, drama queens, and guys are more open. I like to be open, and talk about things that might be uncomfortable to people such as a serious discussion about poop.yeahh... Ocasionally i do talk to my friend Nikita which sometimes has relationship problems and does open up to me about it.

My ex- bestfriend (?) who moved away to GA was hard to talk to. I never felt that i could fully open up to her about anything. it was very difficult for me to talk to her about anything, nevertheless about farts (why farts ? b/c something happened before about farts which we don talk about it :T) But friends come and go.

Maybe in a new enviornment ill be able to find people to relate to. Although i really hate saying that. I dont want to find people i can relate to all the time. I've studied my past relationships and the one guy that actually had the most to relate to me was like the worst one. i dont want to talk about art with my boyfriend, thats ghey.. and boring at that. Discovering can do wonders. Talking about things with someone who was ignorant and thought he knew stuff was the worst. Plus, he had no confidence nor any goals in life. I like learning and reading and i dont want a dude whos like that.

Steven is cool. Plays sports, athletic tall, knows zilch about art, computer nerd, and is fun ( like me =] ) I have to admit i might be a little more disgusting then him, which is still cool. I dont enjoy basketball, whereas at one point it was his life. Our relationship started out as me helping him tryna "bag" a girl. LMAO. the irony. I was in a relationship at that time but i did like him, but regardless i still helped. He was stupid to not see any signs. Sometimes i do get jelous at the things he used to want to do for her, but theres nothing to mull over about. I understand that now. When i used to be angry in my relationship i would go to him and he'd smooth it all over with his reasoning and common sense. It was a give and take. That would be the best relationships in general. But, his timing with phone calls and not picking up his calls is getting to be annoying, getting pretty tired of it where i dont give a shit. And if i dont give a shit i am afraid my feelings will diminish for him.

But yeah, im open and i like to give advice. Still dont understand why people can make friends just b/c they already have a circle of friends, hm.. odd.